Kicking the Dog, Fighting the Power

Morning Thoughts #208

The dog was dangerous. We all knew that.

We knew because we had repeatedly heard and read so. Quite rightly, the dangerous reputation preceded the fact of the dog itself—preceded it to such a degree, in fact, that all the most celebrated dog trainers in the nation advised citizens to warm up their kicking foot on approach. Every time it opened its mouth, we all knew a bite was coming.

Ironically, these famed and highly credentialed dog trainers helped to guide us just as much as the dogs in their care. Words can hardly convey the degree to which our reflexes developed, mostly thanks to their guidance. Over time, our interactions with the dog—as dog-bite victims—were characterized by reaction times so quick that, at first glance, it might seem as if we were the ones kicking first!

Of course, the public knew we were innocently defending ourselves, and justice-minded lawmakers always backed our claims. Charitable organizations were also formed to help reinforce this fact preemptively. Funds were set up to pay for PR representation for those who knew in advance that they’d be in the dog’s vicinity.

And what essential services these charities helped provide! It took more than quick feet to fight the power of the dog on a national scale! Previews of press releases, announcing yet another violent encounter, were made available before the fact for any necessary edits. All soon-to-be victims were also advised to provide a photo of themselves that did not accentuate their capacity for defensive resources, so that their successful kicking resistance might be seen as all the more laudatory.

And yet, despite these efforts, the dog kept attacking. Even so, to our great credit, our resolve did not let up one bit. We, the good and justice-minded, found great meaning in our duty to preach the dangers of the dog. For the public good, we increased our volume as the number of victims multiplied.

As already expressed, this ordeal has gone on for so long that we couldn’t help but develop ourselves in opposition. Knowing all too well of the dog’s unfailing plan to attack, we became quick indeed at kicking back!

This did entail a potential risk though: Observers, unvetted independent dog-trainers that perhaps had sneaked into line of sight, might be inclined (and this is an assertion so ridiculous that I can hardly write it!) to say that we—the victims, the incessant and continual victims of this dog’s attacks—might actually be kicking first!

In any case, a people endangered for so long naturally end up developing certain traits. And our ability to act decisively but defensively really became unmatched!

If any video evidence existed at all of an initial encounter, we had to train our official sources to look more for the mauling intent in the eyes of the vicious dog than even the act of the bite itself. The dog’s infamy—well-deserved and wholly self-inflicted—had grown to such a degree that even those with average reflexes had become so proficient in defending themselves that their actions could conceivably be misinterpreted as an instigation.

Of course, this was just the lie of appearance. The captured image, as we stressed to our public, was not the truth of the matter. It was deceptive without the context that only the best dog-trainers could apply. And the context was the dog’s distinct history of aggression.

A history that was self-evident, thanks to our rich legacy of reporting on it (and really, to our credit, only on it!). So that anyone well-informed (and since we have done so much to disseminate the danger, we too must be given credit for this) could always make out the intent of aggression in that evil dog’s eye, making it deserving of every courageous kick given it!

And so, we kept kicking and kicking, but we had to, because the stats didn’t lie: dog-bite victims were only increasing! At each and every juncture in the crisis, further escalation had always proved necessary.

And this is what led to our famous last stand. A rumor had started that fellow dogs, kept in kennels as our pets, had begun to sympathize with the biting dog who had been deservingly kicked so much. These other dogs hadn’t bitten yet, but, knowing dogs, we knew it was only a matter of time. True, most were good dogs, but oh, the fact was they were still dogs.

To fight the dogs en masse, we needed the bite of the dogs en masse. But to get that, we preemptively needed to incite them to reveal their true, dangerous character. So, we grouped them all in close proximity to the evil biting dog—the one we all knew—and then began to close in, charging to make our final defensive stand.

How many pre-kicks will it take before the biting commences and we can officially start kicking? The cameras aren’t rolling yet; they are waiting for the unofficial prologue to end and for the origin story of our great defensive crusade to, shall I say, kick off.