Oh, The Unsharpening!

Morning Thoughts #169

Oh, the unsharpening of memories honing my self-knowledge! To think (and what else did I do back then) how clear they once were, how deeply felt their cause, often some blame unquestionably placed, the chain of events always locked in. But what was all of this time-sensitive clarity?

The clarity of youth? And yes, you were its firsthand witness, but really, how reliable is any witness testimony? You lived it and then spoke to a self who spoke to a self who spoke to you finally today. The original witness, whose words you for so long took without question, has become muffled. A once reliable messenger that now seems to barely speak the same language. Their testimony becoming an increasingly abstract sketch. Oh, holy unsharpening, the drivers of youthful neuroticism one by one sell off their cars, instead opting for trains to avoid the delays of individualized traffic.

I am celebrating here what I had no real hand in provoking, the natural process of time that wears down the rocks we stood ourselves apart on. I am a canyon creature now, and all the better for it! The formative years, their all-importance notwithstanding, move to a blur. Points repeated upon have been ground down, and I find it easy to find my footing there as I begin to walk away.

The mind is swimming now in open water, temperature more or less consistent due to its larger expanse, and when polluted rain comes (as it still sometimes does) it gets quickly diluted.

So I swim through my formation with less intellectualization. A hallowed blur replacing pinpoint ruminations. The whole is selected for more than its parts, and, as with most wholes, there’s far less to complain about. Youth is so overpowering, it takes real tragedy to taint it. Real tragedy exists, but in youth, it tends more to lap at our shores and then retreat, rather than to burst a breaking tsunami wave upon us. There are exceptions, of course, and all of them are worth as many tears as we can possibly give.

But you reading this today, can you really count yourself among this class? As for me, the regrets I used to aim towards youth so squarely more often miss the mark of my consciousness these days. Once you’ve truly felt yourself take over your own reins, how much less you will look back to blame!